Oh, Monkey Gravy!

This is one of my personal favorites. A good monkey gravy goes well with chicken, but even better with some succulent turkey. Since you’ll go to some trouble for getting the monkey gravy, use good quality turkey cutlets from the store-the gravy will do the rest!

Oh, Monkey Gravy:

* Monkey: This is the difficult part. Western culture, specifically their laws, are pretty restrictive when it comes to monkeys. You can’t find them in the wild here, and the ones left either belong to science labs or zoos. They’re registered and have to be treated in accordance with animal cruelty statutes. So here’s my strategy:
* $12,000 US Dollars
* 1 Passport sized photo

First book yourself a flight to Paris. Take a train down to the capital of Spain, whatever that is. There’s a dude there, in a bar. I forget the name, but it has a picture of a lady singing on the door. Tell the bartender you’re there for “Louis” and buy a drink, it’ll be a while. In an hour or so, a man will come in and go to the bathroom. Go back there and hand him $1,500 and the passport photo. He will give you a number to call and tell you to call tomorrow. Call the number, they’ll tell you where to go, and you’ll find your new passport waiting for you. Now with your new passport, book a flight to Africa. Any of them will do. Once off the plane, you will need to steal 1 monkey. They are literally everywhere, it’s not too difficult to find them.

The important part here is to be picky. Most species of monkey are 70% hair. Hair is not tasty, you don’t want it in your food. I recommend chimps. Mountain Gorillas also work, but they’re harder to stuff into a suitcase. That’s the next part, pick your monkey and get him into a suitcase. Buy some butter at the store to get it in there if you’re having trouble. If they don’t have butter, get whatever looks oily. If they click at you, don’t be concerned, that’s how they speak in Africa. If there’s a revolt, make sure to bribe the guards when you get to the airport. Now get back to Spain, take the train back to France, and get rid of your fake passport before coming back to the states. Check your suitcase once in a while, you don’t want your monkey to die after all that trouble.

Once home, open the suitcase and feed your monkey some bananas. They like them. Shave your monkey to get rid of any hair. Now give the monkey a hat and a typewriter, and wait for him to type a recipe for gravy. Once he does, make the gravy and enjoy.

What? You thought… You’re horrible!!!!

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