Top Chef, Season Five Episode 1: Deep Throat

Once again, the AwK authors reunite for Season 5 of Bravo TV’s Top Chef. It’s not on time because we never are. I mean, did you really think I was going to have this done on Thursday morning? Get real!

CC: Hey I heard Chef DoucheHat is going to be commenting on the show while he watches it. What a fan-friggin-TASTIC idea! I wish we had thought of that.

MM: Our posts are better, because they have pictures.

CC: Alright, you ready to kick out the f00kin’ jams on this bithc??

MM: I am, once I figure out what a “bithc” is.


Unavailable for comment, Bithc.

CC: Right away I’m distracted by Fabio.

MM: Right away I’m distracted by an ugly dude with ugly hair who is going on and on about how he is so meticulous about his ugly hair.

CC: Yeah, he’s no Ruhlman, thats for sure. Maybe a John Besh, but no Ruhlman.


Someone’s hair profiles are off.

MM: The maximum capacity for swoopy hair in the culinary world has been reached.

CC: So this year they are setting it in New York, where MM lives for realsies, so if anyone needs a kick in the nuts, she’s our inside man for that.

MM: I’ll drive right on over in my Macchiato-Mobile.

CC: The competition is setting out with a reasonably strong Quickfire challenge, but the gay guy is overly concerned about what Padma’s wearing… Uhm, what?

MM: Why is everyone so obsessed with Padma’s clothes? She doesn’t dress herself. Fashion people probably pick it out for her.

CC: She does dress well.

MM: You just really liked that toga from the last season.

CC: He should be more concerned about the challenge – this is the first time someone’s being eliminated from a Quickfire! The challenge is a race. The first leg is to perfectly peel fifteen apples with a knife. The first chefs to complete the challenge do not have to go on to the next leg, and are safe… Thats a pretty random test don’t you think? I mean how is that a measure of ability, really?

MM: It’s more about speed. Though it’s not difficult in technicality, getting fifteen apples peeled with a knife before your competitors is stressful. Someone’s going to take a finger off. This sort of reminds me of the first competition they did in the Next Iron Chef America, when the contestants did a speed test, too.

CC: They should have had them bone a chicken or something.

MM: They already did that on a previous season.

CC: Now they’re getting technical. The next leg of the Quickfire is to brunoise their peeled apples, which is basically a really really small dice. Like 1/16th of an inch. Brunoise is some bad ass shit.


Photo courtesy of http://www.11er.at

MM: For our readers, here’s a You Tube video of a chef demonstrating an onion brunoise. At least I hope that’s what it is. I’m typing this at work and You Tube is blocked. The Google description alludes that it’s a chef doing an onion brunoise so, let’s hope that’s not a euphemism for activities of the naked variety. It should be safe, because I don’t think You Tube has those sorts of things… and if they do, I don’t want to know about it.

CC: So Round 1: peel 15 apples with a peeling knife. Round 2: brunoise the apples. Round 3: cook a dish with their apples. (sigh) Why does the hot chick have to be annoying, too?

MM: Which one is the hot one? I don’t see a hot one.

CC: I’ll point her out… Her. Um… hot-ish.


Photo Courtesy of Bravo

MM: But she’s no Ruhlman! Wait, what do I say to that?

CC: (laughing) Okay, now the dishes are done. We have an apple slaw (meh) and a scallop that looks pretty good. Sorry, slaw boy. I bet he’s a goner.

MM: But no! It’s semi-hot chick. God, that’s harsh. I’m sorry, annoying and bitchy semi-hot chick.

CC: Yeah, that’s really bad.

MM: Did she just say she was going down on apples?

CC: Now that would be a show I’d watch. If you can go down on an apple, that’s some talent.

MM: If you can go down on an apple, you’re in the wrong industry… not that I’d condone it, I’m just sayin’.

CC: So now, let’s get a look at the three gays who have dubbed themselves “Team Rainbow”. Apparently Bravo made a Team Rainbow shirt that everyone can buy. (Shameless plug brought to you by Orli Ninjamaster and Team AwK.)

MM: Now this is a nice moment, an evening around the dinner table before the next day’s elimination challenge. There’s even a toast of well-wishes to all of the contestants. In their heads they’re all planning how they’re going to throw each other under the bus at the Judges’ Table.


Judges’ Table: Only the strong (flavor profiles) survive.

CC: The Elimination Challenge is a good one – chefs are randomly matched to an area in NYC and expected to come up with a regional dish that reflects the area.

MM: Some of the chefs have a severe disadvantage. They’ll have to rely on their training, experience and… um…

CC: Spirit guides?


Casper the Friendly Ghost: Leading you on wacky adventures and saving you from culinary hell since 1939

MM: I like these head-to-head challenges. Chefs are assigned to each district by twos, and then have to face off before the judges. Whenever they do it this way, it’s successful.

CC: Yeah, it’s a nice way to do it. Some of these regions are really difficult to pick for. Latin would be easy, Russian not so much.

MM: Yeah. Vodka and pickles… that’s the only thing that comes to mind for Russian. Is that even a flavor profile?

CC: Italian cuisine people lucked out, too – wait, there’s a chef who has never made Italian cuisine? That sounds pretty odd.

MM: How can you be a chef and have never made any Italian food? Especially being an American chef, because it’s such a huge part of our diet. I don’t get it. Moving on, it’s time for shameless plugs on the Top Chef sponsors: Buy GE Monogram.

CC: Yes! They are great and I use them exclusively. (pause) Do we get any money for saying that?

MM: Not a cent.

CC: Well, fuck ’em then; they use five-year olds to make their stoves. Now for the guest judge to be revealed: Jean-Georges!

MM: Time for the contestants to collectively pee their pants.

CC: Jean-Georges Vongerichten is a world renown chef with three Michelin stars! The man is a culinary god.

Side note: Bravo did a little Q&A with Jean-Georges that can be found on their website here.

MM: The dishes are coming out, and none of them are exciting me.

CC: Not like deep throating an apple, no. A Lamb slider is pretty boring. How much time did they have to make their dishes?

MM: Two hours.

CC: That’s a lot of time, and the majority of these dishes are BO-RING.

MM: Whoa. It’s not good when your dish is being compared to Wolfgang Puck.

CC: Ruh-roh. Now for the Indian dishes. Those chefs are hosed with Padma on the panel.

MM: I do really like that rough, tatooed chef. He’s one of my favorites so far.

CC: Gene. Yeah, I like him, too. He Rain Manned it, and is one of the top three dishes.

MM: Stefan’s the winner.

CC: I was pulling for Gene, the Hawaii boy, but at least Stefan isn’t the most annoying of the Euros.

MM: Now for the losers.

CC: Wow, only two losers.

MM: Poor culinary school boy. He was on the chopping block in the Quickfire for that apple slaw, and just couldn’t cut it. Get it? He couldn’t cut it?

CC: …I’m out of here.

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