Top Chef Season 5, Episode 10: Oats and Failure

“Bunky beds”.  Can we just end the show and make Fabio the winner already?  Fabio is another great example of why everyone wants to be Italian.  It’s not just the coolness, it’s the zen-like ego-less coolness that allows them to be cool without being annoying for being so damn cool.   It’s the complete effortless cool  of Jude Law in “The Talented Mr. Ripley”.  Which I guess is a bad example because it got his head bashed in by an oar, but only because he didn’t let Matt Damon get in the bath with him which you know he totally wanted him to do anyway but whatever.



Enough with the product placement already!  How much does this show f***ing cost to produce??  I’ll give you the omnipresent Glad-ware and the stacks and stacks of Diet Dr Pepper in the stew room, but for God’s sake can we just let them cook without shoehorning another product in?  Because nothin’ says Super Bowl like oats!!

So Stephan wins, again.  Dude is looking pretty unstoppable…….(ominous music plays)……



Our contestants go head-to-head with previous contestants using the regional cuisine of NFL team cities.  I have to say I really like this challenge.  20 minutes is too short, in my opinion, to really showcase those regional cuisines but what the hey.  The issue I have (oh come on, you knew there’d be one) is the use of the phrase “All-Stars”.  So we got  Heckel and Jeckle, the pasta chick , Chunk le Phunk and some other people I don’t remember.  Anybody in this group win Top Chef?  Make it to the final show??  Anyone of you have a shot at winning at all?  That would be, in reverse order because it’s funnier that way, no, NO and NOT ON YOUR LIFE.  If we want to continue with the  NFL analogy, you are not playing the NFC Pro Bowl team, you are playing the Detroit Lions.

The three losers were Jeff, Fabio … and Stephan!!  (ominous music crescendo)  Stephan thinks he’ll be fine because it’s his first time at the bottom.  Sorry bucko, that’s not how it works.  In the end, Stephan didn’t go home because his dish was uninspired, but Jeff’s didn’t taste good.  And let’s give the judges a lot of credit here for making taste the sine qua non of a winning dish.  I imagine it would suck to get beat out by a warm seviche, that quite honestly looked like crap compared to his plate.  But hers tasted better.  And while that is a tough criteria for us to judge at home, it is really the only thing that matters.  In this touchy-feely, nobody-loses, perception-is-reality world we are currently in, I find it refreshing to have a discipline where intentions don’t matter, results do.  But, acid with cheese, Chef? 


The preceding blog article was brought to you by the hyphen.  HYPHEN-ATE YOUR LIFE – WITH HYPHENS!!

~Citizen Chef

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